


Those Shadows (almost) Killed Your Light

by fujibutts



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Medication, Past Suicide Attempt, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, er - Freeform, gomen tsukki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-23 21:36:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2556623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fujibutts/pseuds/fujibutts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts off quietly. No one notices the empty desk near the front of the classroom and if they did they shrugged it off as him taking a day off sick.</p><p>The next day, two rows back, is another absent student. The one in the front is still missing.</p><p>...</p><p>"Since you're here for Tsukishima-kun, do you happen to know when Yamaguchi-kun will be back?"</p><p>Akiteru freezes for a second before letting out a nervous chuckle and rubbing the back of his head, "Ah yeah, about that..."</p><p>(warnings inside)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I'm going to regret posting this because I'm never going to continue it but maybe I will because I really really want to explore more of the friendships that I headcanon for Ennoshita and Yams, as well as Yachi and Shimada.
> 
> The last chapter of Cause a Scene is half done I'm debating posting it as it is because I stopped writing at a pretty good cutoff?? I just need to get off my ass and write it oh my god. It'll end with no more than 4 chapters (maybe 3) but it will be part of a series!!
> 
> In case you haven't read the tags:  
> TRIGGER WARNING: self harm (aftermath, hospitalization), suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, medication, hospitals (setting)

It starts off quietly. No one notices the empty desk near the front of the classroom and if they did they shrugged it off as him taking a day off sick.

Later that same day, two rows back, is another absent student. The one in the front is still missing.

By the next day a tall blonde boy shows up after classes have ended, too old to be a student at Karasuno High, asking for packets of work.

He's handed two piles: one to last the week, and the other to last a month.

On the way out of the building, his feet take him to the gym by the courtyard. He hears the sound of rubber soles on the gym floor and balls being spiked and received. He pokes his head in and figures,  _why not?_  Since he's here anyway.

Quickly he finds the coach, shouting from the sidelines at the players engrossed in their receiving drills. Even after years away from Karasuno practice was as hard as ever. Kei was right, their new coach really was a relative of old Coach Ukai.

He catches the gaze of a short man in a green track jacket and waves. The man quickly makes his way over and offers a hand, "Hello my name is Takeda, advisor of the volleyball club! What can I do for you?"

"Tsukishima Akiteru," he takes the hand and shakes it firmly. "I just wanted to stop by and say that Kei will be back next week."

There is a flash of recognition in Takeda's eyes and his face immediately lights up, "Ah yes welcome! You've surely taught Tsukishima-kun well! He's a fine player and we're lucky to have him." Takeda nods sagely to himself before continuing, "It's a shame he'll be missing this week, but it seems like there's nothing we can do... Um," Takeda looks up, worrying his bottom lip, "Since you're here for Tsukishima-kun, do you happen to know when Yamaguchi-kun will be back?"

Akiteru freezes for a second before letting out a nervous chuckle and rubbing the back of his head, "Ah yeah, about that..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima Kei's day starts off normally. He wakes up bright and early for morning practice, but when he's halfway to school and Yamaguchi's footfalls and idle chattering is still absent from his side, he thinks it's a little too quiet.
> 
> Of course practice isn't all that quiet. How could it be with the arrogant king and his little page adding to the racket made by their rowdy senpai? But Yamaguchi is still not by his side when Coach calls roll and he still thinks it's a little too quiet.
> 
> Despite being legally blind, it's not like Tsukishima can't see that Yamaguchi has been having a tough time lately, and he's cant help but frown as the pit in his stomach grows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning hospitals (at the end), anxiety, and self injury, and a suicide attempt please mind the trigger warnings and be safe i love you for reading this! !

Tsukishima Kei's day starts off normally. He wakes up bright and early for morning practice; brushing his teeth and pulling on his uniform, grabbing a light breakfast and then walking out of the door after he's double checked that he's got all of his supplies for the day. The same daily routine he's gone through since the school year started. But when he's halfway to school and Yamaguchi's footfalls and idle chattering are still absent from his side, he thinks it's a little too quiet.

Of course practice isn't at all quiet. How could it be with the arrogant king and his little page's daily shouting matches adding to the racket made by their rowdy senpai? But Yamaguchi is still not by his side when Coach calls roll and he still thinks it's a little too quiet.

Despite having a low enough visual acuity to be classified as legally blind, it's not like Tsukishima can't see that Yamaguchi has been having a tough time lately, and he's cant help but frown as the pit in his stomach grows.

...

He changes quickly after practice and makes it out the door of the club room with seven minutes to spare before class starts. He whips out his phone and scrolls through the contacts, looking for the one labeled 'Tadashi my love <333' (after they got together Yamaguchi stole his phone and changed the name of his contact. Tsukishima rolled his eyes at the childish gesture, but even after so many months he has yet to change it.)

Tsukishima weaves his way through halls filled with chattering people, drowning them all out and instead focusing on the dull ringing to stop and for Tadashi to pick up. But after four tries and three voice mail messages later, he presses the end call button. He finds himself in class, students chatting amicably among themselves as they wait out the last few seconds before the bell rings and the have to start yet another day of school.

The teacher soon enters the room and the students scatter, taking their assigned seats. The class representative motions for them all to stand and bow in greeting at their teacher.

"Good morning!" they recite in unison.

Tsukishima stays silent, going through the motions as his eyes stay glued to the only empty seat in the classroom.

...

After second period they had a ten minute break. Most students stayed in the classroom or talked with their friends in the halls, but as soon as the bell rang, Tsukishima was out of the door, phone in hand already dialing Yamaguchi's number.

‘ _Just once_ ,' he tells himself, repeatedly tightening and loosening his grip on the phone anxiously. The pit in his stomach grows, and even though he told himself just once, it's not until the third call unsuccessful call to Yamaguchi's phone that he sighs. It's almost third period and there's still no sign of Yamaguchi.

Checking the time, he sees he was just a few more minutes before he has to be in class. Deciding to switch tactics, he scrolls until he finds the Yamaguchi family's home phone number and presses dial.

He continually calls the phone even on the walk back to the classroom. But four minutes and another three calls later, there's still no answer. And there's still no Yamaguchi.

Tsukishima sighs and stuffs his phone into the deepest pocket of his bag, pulling off his glasses and rubbing his temples to try to stave off the headache he had known would be coming. He puts them back on when the teacher comes in and starts the lecture, but the words just go in one ear and out the other. He is almost tempted to slip on his headphones.

Instead of risking a lecture on the importance of education and paying attention during class instead of listening to the 'rowdy music you kids listen to these days', he takes advantage of his seat by the window and turns his head away from the rest of the class and the empty desk that made his stomach feel like the ocean during a tropical storm. 

Unfortunately, it's a beautiful day, looking like the exact opposite of how Tsukishima felt. The sky is clear and blue, with not a single cloud to distract himself from thinking too much. And think he does.

He thinks of Yamaguchi- his Tadashi, with a smile that's been looking more strained than genuine lately. He thinks of the sighs he lets out sometimes, looking so tired and small drowning in the sweaters he loves to wear so much. He also thinks of how quiet Tadashi is. 

On their relaxing nights in filled with movies and cuddling, Tadashi would always make contented noises, making the funniest comments on whatever was happening on screen at the time. Most times this would lead to him laughing and Tadashi would always follow soon after, resulting in the both of them dissolving into giggles and content sighs, not even caring that they'd missed a good portion of the movie just laughing. But lately, there would be no witty comments. He would catch Tadashi facing the TV, eyes pointed at the screen; but Tsukishima knew that he wasn't actually seeing the movie, too caught up in what ever thoughts were storming around inside his head.

But the thought that weighs on his mind the most is an incident from the week prior. He had spent the night at the Yamaguchi family home which was the usual for Friday nights, but he can remember waking up in the dead of night. He remembered wondering what woke him up when he realized that it was Tadashi. He was crying. Tsukishima held him close that night, rubbing his back in soothing circles and running his fingers through sleep mussed hair trying desperately to comfort his distressed boyfriend.

It took a long time for Tadashi to stop crying.

It took an even longer time for Tsukishima to get back to sleep.

...

Tsukishima wishes he could have said that the day passed like a blur. On the contrary, the minutes felt like hours as his teacher droned about nothing. But just a few minutes before the lunch bell did an unexpected guest drop by the classroom.

It’s a person from the school office carrying a distinctly yellow piece of paper known as a pass to get checked out of school. Most students’ eyes are trained on the guest as he approached the teacher, praying with all of their might that it was for them. Sweet sweet relief from the endless lectures that took up the days of the college-prep classes was just a few meters away.

The teacher scans the note and every student is on the edge of their seat, waiting for their name to be called out.

“Tsukishima Kei!”

Tsukishima straightens up and looks questioningly at the teacher.

“You are being checked out of school. Please remember to get the handouts to Yamaguchi-kun.”

Slightly confused, Tsukishima nods and packs his things, following the person with his ticket out of the school to the office. Again there’s a tugging feeling in his stomach. First Tadashi was gone and now he's getting checked out? This day was bothersome enough, was there some family emergency to add onto everything?

In the office he’s met with a face he doesn’t quite expect, but gives him some relief either way.

“Kei-kun!” It’s Tadashi’s mom.

“Yamaguchi-san what’s going on?”

She waves at the receptionist and signs a paper before turning and waving for Tsukishima to follow her. “It’s okay I’ve called your mother and she’s called the school to check you out- so you’re coming with me!”

Tsukishima nods, following the woman to a familiar car. “Coming with you where?”

Yamaguchi-san unlocks the car and gets in, immediately starting it. Tsukishima thinks that she didn’t hear him the first time, so he swallows and begins again, “Yamaguchi-san wha-”

“Tadashi is in the hospital.”

The ride to the hospital is unbearably silent and quite uncomfortable.Tsukishima steals glances at Yamaguchi-san. She had Tadashi relatively young so for as long as he's known her, she had always been more filled with youthful energy compared to other moms. But right now she looked very tired, her eyes dark and her usually friendly smile flipped into a frown.

Tsukishima needs answers. He needs to know what’s happened to Tadashi. But it feels like he’ll throw up if he opens his mouth and he doesn’t want to risk it.

They arrive at the hospital and he follows Yamaguchi-san to a room in the recovery ward. Yamaguchi-san pauses in front of the door, making eye contact with Tsukishima before pushing the door open and entering.

Yamaguchi is asleep, looking like he did on Sunday mornings with his hair all over the place, head tilted to the side and a little trail of drool coming out of his mouth. But the bandages covering his arms, even disappearing all the way up the sleeves of his t-shirt were new.

Yamaguchi-san places her purse on a chair by the bed before taking a seat and heaving a long sigh. “Kei-kun,” she starts, getting his attention. “Did you know about what was going on?”

Tsukishima doesn’t want to lie but he doesn’t want to outright say that he knew that Tadashi was hurting himself and never told his parents either. He nods hesitantly, the movement almost imperceptible.

“Akio found him bleeding in the tub this morning.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath that Tsukishima hears before he realizes that it came from himself.

Tsukishima’s thoughts race a mile a minute and he finds that he can’t process the words still coming from Yamaguchi-san’s mouth.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he spares a thought to little Akio who’s like a carbon copy of Tadashi when he was eight, going in to the bathroom to get ready for the day only to find the older brother he idolized so dearly bleeding out in the bathtub.

Mostly though, he thought about Tadashi. His Tadashi. His beautiful Tadashi, so full of drive and determination and so much potential. The Tadashi that held his hands and kept him from getting too worked up and anxious he was under stress. His Tadashi could have _died_. He could have bled out and he wouldn’t have known until it was too late.

Tsukishima takes a shaky breath. He feels like he’s going to throw up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday yams as a present i've hospitalized u and made ur bf v distressed haha :,)

**Author's Note:**

> Why is grass green? Why can't I keep my volleyboys happy? Why is the sky blue? We just don't know.


End file.
